BFF

Friends.

And what he said later sound like humming in the background.

I wander away while still clinging to the phone, agreeing here and then to what he has to say. Yet, I know he got what I meant all wrong. I don't mean the friends problem... in that way. No, not about the way we were going back to the times when we first got together. Not about freedom. Not his concerns... Though I agree it's hard to look for friends in MBA that you want to hang out for life, especially when you are taking night classes. The problem, lies in me. Me myself.

How shall I present my case?

Weeks before, I took a personality quiz on a magazine which is titled "Are you a man's woman, or a girl's girl", and my scores turned out that I'm neither a man's woman, nor a woman's woman. "You are your own woman". I had guessed so, because I know I'm not especially good with any girls or guys. Although I'm pleased with "The Ups" of which I'm flattered to say here, I still can't stop thinking on the dark side.

I don't have a real best friend.

The girls I hang out with are my best friends. But real best friends, I don't think so. Because I can't confess my problem, my emotion to them. They would not care to spend time hear you babbling away with your thoughts, because their lives centered around themselves. And I don't trust them enough to ensure that I'm safe from backslash and betrayal. Been there many times, and ended up licking my own wounds and wished I had keep my mouth shut! Maybe it's hard to deal with girls. I always find guys are more easy going. We never fight. Oh... maybe except P because he is a monster. It's time to redefine the relationship with them, and decided to stay on the surface will do.

And, I'm left with nobody.

Ahh... The girls that I considered real best friends, are miles apart. We only met each other like, once a quarter? This pattern repeats for 4 to 5 years and now I feel like I can't really really blend with them already. Thanks to the babes, we are all making effort to keep in touch every chances we have. I love them. Still...

The problem is not solved. I need someone to be there. Or at least, someone who I know would be there, soon. Someone to shop with. Someone to care for. Someone who would understand and doesn't need me to prove my case. Someone to gossip with. To hang out like twins! She and she, and even she has. I don't have even one!

I'm unhappy for months. And maybe it's just self-fulfilling prophecy, this matter get worse because I often feel like I'm overshadowed. It's something like Blair and Serena in Gossip Girl, and I'm Blair. Serena is the one who gets all the sunshine and attention, and I'm Serena's friend. Nobody seems to care that I'm Blair. The difference is my Serena is not a girl, but a guy.

They fight. But still they are friends for life.

I want one.

Well, after I think over the matter again and again, I realize that I actually have one real best friend. Or can I consider him in that light? I can confess to him anything, and care not that I would look stupid or say something wrongly. We gossip every now and then and won't fear of betrayal. We understand each other. Console each other. Hang out together. We learn to shop together. *smile* But... he is my babe. My bf. Could my bf also be my BFF? I sort of want them to be a separate persons. Sometimes, only sometimes, I wish he is not my bf, so he can be my BFF, my twins!

*Sigh*